Stop Asking “How Do We Get Them Back to School?” — Ask This Instead
September has a way of making everything suddenly feel urgent.
The summer ends, uniforms appear, schools reopen and conversations quickly turn towards attendance. If your child has been struggling with school, you may suddenly find yourself surrounded by questions about when they are going back, what timetable they can manage, whether they could try a morning or whether this week might be the week to increase their hours.
And I understand why.
We want children to have access to education. We want them to participate, learn, have relationships and experience a life beyond the four walls of home.
But when a child is struggling to access school, I think we need to be very careful that our first question doesn't automatically become:
“How do we get them back in?”
Because getting a child physically through the school gate and helping their nervous system build the capacity to participate in school are not necessarily the same thing.
There is another question I want us to ask first.
“What does this child need for participation to become possible?”
That might sound like a small change in language, but clinically, it changes where we start.
When our focus is primarily on getting a child back into school, it is very easy for success to become measured through attendance. We look at hours, mornings, lessons and percentages. If they managed an hour last week, perhaps we try an hour and a half this week. If they managed three mornings, perhaps four is the obvious next step.
But those numbers only tell us part of the story.
They don't necessarily tell us how much distress happened beforehand, what the child's nervous system had to do to remain there, whether they were actually able to engage or what happened when they came home.
A child can technically manage something that is costing them far more than they currently have available.
That distinction is incredibly important when we're thinking about school recovery.
Being in school isn't the same as having capacity for school
Imagine a child manages two hours in school.
From the outside, that might look like progress. They arrived, stayed for the agreed time and completed the plan.
But imagine that getting there involved ninety minutes of distress. During those two hours they barely spoke, held everything together and used most of their available energy trying to manage the environment. They then came home completely depleted, couldn't tolerate conversation for the rest of the day and couldn't attempt school the following morning.
Did they manage two hours?
Technically, yes.
But if we only record those two hours, we miss most of the information their body has given us.
Now imagine another child attends for the same two hours. They need some support to arrive, but settle with a trusted adult. They engage in an activity, leave before becoming overwhelmed and return home with enough capacity to eat, connect and continue with part of their day.
The attendance figure is identical.
The nervous-system experience is very different.
This is why I don't want us only asking whether a child can do something.
I want us asking whether what we're doing is becoming increasingly sustainable.
Sustainable doesn't mean comfortable all of the time
This is an important distinction.
A regulation-led approach doesn't mean removing every challenge from a child's life. Children will experience uncertainty, frustration, sensory discomfort and things they would rather not do. Supporting the nervous system is not about creating a world in which a child never feels uncomfortable.
It is about understanding the difference between a manageable challenge and an experience that repeatedly overwhelms their available capacity.
We want to support children to build capacity over time, but we cannot build that capacity by repeatedly taking more from a battery that is already empty.
Sometimes the next step is forward.
Sometimes it is holding where we are.
Sometimes the most therapeutic next step is actually reducing the load long enough for recovery to begin.
Knowing the difference requires us to understand the individual child rather than following a timetable simply because another week has passed.
Before increasing attendance, look at the whole picture
When I'm thinking about whether a child may be ready for another step, I don't only look at what happened while they were physically at school.
I want to understand what happened before, during and after.
What is happening in the morning? Are we seeing tummy aches, headaches, anger, hiding, freezing, panic or an increasing need for control? How much support is required just to begin the journey?
Then I want to know what happens when the child arrives. Which environments are manageable? Which relationships help? What sensory demands are present? Can they engage and connect, or is most of their capacity being used simply to remain there?
And finally, I want to know what happens afterwards.
Can they still participate in family life? Do they have enough capacity to eat, talk, play or engage in something they enjoy? Do they need hours to recover? Does attending today significantly reduce what they can manage tomorrow?
None of those things, on their own, give us a perfect answer.
Together, however, they help us understand the pattern.
And patterns give us much better information than attendance percentages alone.
Ask what needs to change around the child
There is another shift I want parents to feel confident making in conversations with school.
When a child can't manage something, we very quickly start thinking about how we can help the child tolerate more.
But sometimes the more useful question is:
“What can we change around them?”
If arriving through a busy main entrance is overwhelming, could arrival look different?
If uncertainty is draining their capacity, could we make the day more predictable?
If lunch is consistently overwhelming, what could change about lunchtime?
If a trusted relationship helps their nervous system settle, how can that connection become part of the plan rather than something left to chance?
If a child is using most of their capacity masking through lessons, do we need to think differently about what participation currently looks like?
These aren't ways of helping a child “get out of” school.
They are ways of understanding the barriers that are making participation difficult and creating conditions in which the nervous system has a better chance of managing.
Recovery needs a roadmap, not just a timetable
This is ultimately why I use the language of a Recovery Roadmap.
A timetable tells us when something is supposed to happen.
A Roadmap asks us to understand where we are now, where we're trying to go, what is getting in the way and what needs to happen before we take the next step.
And importantly, a Roadmap can change.
Recovery is rarely a perfectly straight line. A child may make progress and then need to hold. Something unexpected may reduce their capacity. A relationship may change. An environment may become harder. A step that looked manageable on paper may give us new information once we actually try it.
Changing the plan in response to that information isn't failure.
It is exactly what an individual recovery pathway should allow us to do.
So this September, start with a different question
If your child is struggling with school, I don't want your whole September to become consumed by:
“How do we get them back?”
Instead, begin with:
“What is making participation difficult for my child right now?”
Then ask:
“What is their body communicating?”
“What is draining their capacity?”
“What helps them feel safer and more connected?”
“What can we change around them?”
“What would tell us they are ready for the next step?”
Those questions don't give us a quick fix.
But they give us something far more useful.
They give us somewhere meaningful to start.
If you need help building that pathway
Knowing which questions to ask is one thing.
Working out the answers for your child can be much harder.
That is exactly why I created the InnerMe School Recovery Roadmap, my 8-week live parent coaching programme for families whose children are finding school hard.
This isn't a programme designed to give every child the same eight-week return-to-school timetable.
Across our eight weeks together, we'll understand what is happening underneath your child's behaviour, explore their sensory and interoceptive needs, look at nervous-system capacity and recovery, identify what needs to change around them and strengthen how you communicate and advocate with school.
Most importantly, we will bring all of that information together to help you build your child's individual School Recovery Roadmap.
The aim is to move away from constantly wondering:
“Do I push? Do I pause? Am I doing the right thing?”
towards having a clearer understanding of where your child is, what they need now and what you're looking for before taking the next step.
The programme is delivered live, begins on Monday 14th September and is limited to 15 families because I want to keep the support personal.
The investment is £660, or 6 monthly payments of £110.
Because the question isn't simply:
“How quickly can we get them back into school?”
It's:
“How do we build the safety, capacity and support that makes sustainable participation possible?”
Kate
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